Days You Want to Forget but Cannot

January 13, 2020, is a day I wish I could forget, but unfortunately, I never will. When I saw the pop up memory with Kayla and me yesterday, that was taken on January 13, 2023, it just brought back a flood of emotions. I am one that has compartmentalized many things my whole life. Some things are buried so far in my memory bank, they never resurface. There is no rhyme or reason of what I remember and what I do not. But a suicide attempt and the death of my daughter, are two things, I will never forget.

I have come a long way since January 13, 2020, and maybe I had to go through the trauma of that day, so I could somewhat deal with Kayla's death. I know after that day in 2020 I mended my relationship with God, and I was/am reading scripture daily. I firmly believe he gave me the words to write a book, and I pray it can help someone. I write and work on Bible studies about four days a week. It seems to be the best way for me to stay grounded in the word.

But yesterday, I had to take a route home that brought back so many emotions I had the night Kayla died. I just looked at Robby and said, "I am sorry but I cannot hold back the tears." I cried for a couple of reasons, and I cannot explain adequately through words such raw emotion. It is odd because I am not one that tends to cry. I have had to fight through yesterday and today just to keep moving forward. I did not make it to church today, due to some days I cannot handle people. Even though I know that would had been the best thing for me. Just to be honest, everyone loves my husband and they love to tell me that. And I just sit there and think, 'do you not love me too?' It seems like he can do no wrong, and I am just his comical sidekick. I do not mean to have those feelings, but they surface from time to time. And if you have read my book, you understand that at times I can have low self esteem. It comes from childhood trauma, and having to fight hard for every single thing in my life. And I know some can relate to this and some cannot. Yesterday I told him I have just lost so much of my drive, and I cannot seem to muster up the determination to keep some goals and dreams going. Losing Kayla took some spirit out of me, and I wish she was here now because I need her mad marketing skills. She sure knew how to charm people. I know others feel the same way about the loss of their loved ones. This is not a pity party, but more of saying we all have bad days, and we need people to help us through.

I have so many things that I am praying about right now, and I am literally living day to day on faith. I do not know how God will answer them, but I am trusting for the right answers. I chose not to tell some of my prayer needs, because I really need to know God's purpose for me. If some come to fruition, then I know it was done only by him. I could use so many scriptures to quote, but I would not even be able to pick just one. I would suggest for you to read a psalm a day and to start reading a New Testament book. Just read a couple of chapters a day until you finish a book. Then start another book in the NT. That is what I have been doing daily. It helps tremendously. If you could say a pray for me that would help in so many ways. And if you want me to say one for you, message me. We all have different journeys, but we all share the same emotions from time to time.

As always please keep moving forward in a positive direction. Do not let that old devil block your path. Put the armor of God on and fight.

Dawn Renee