Family Secrets

It seems like my whole life, I have had to keep family secrets. First, I am not going to spill the tea on this blog and tell all. But, I am going to give you a glimpse of what it was like for me growing up and even into adulthood how damaging it can be to teach a child to keep adult secrets. I am sure my sister has the same perspective to some degree. We are a product of a broken home. And we each reaped the trauma that was sowed upon us in different ways. She and I saw, heard and lived through things we should had never had to. I honestly did not realize that I have lived in survival mode my whole entire life, until recently. I was reading an article, and I thought well that explains a lot.

The last few months things have triggered memories, I had shoved so far back into my brain to come front and center. There are things my husband does not even know about my childhood. Probably, only my sister knows, and some things she does not even know. Looking back, I wonder how either of us are functioning adults. I can say that there are things that cause me to pause and ask myself why did you do some of those things. The answer, I wanted to survive, plain and simple. She and I scraped for every thing we have ever gotten. I guess since daddy died, we have opened up a little to each other about past situations, where we usually do not. She and I experienced horrors that we just cannot talk about. Sometimes, I think that is why we grew distant from each other throughout the years. I mean who wants to talk about abusive shared memories.

But we have talked a little bit about them lately, and I kinda breath easier knowing that somehow we made it. We both have had to work through a lot of mess, and we have been broken to the point that it felt like at times you could not move forward.

With the five year mark coming up on a suicided attempt, I have looked back on what brought me to that point. The answer is complex and simple at the same time, and if you have read my book you know some of the triggers. If you wanna know more, you can read the book. I find it difficult now to trust people, and I tend to not want to get out in public by myself. And I am learning to set boundaries and not let people make me feel inferior. And after five years, I found out that some are not apologetic at all. Someone asked me recently why I was not wanted in a particular area here. I really did not have an answer until a few days later, after much thought. Pride! If they apologized it would mean that were admitting to doing something wrong, and they cannot do it. I can say growing up the way I did pride it not an issue for me. I am grateful to still be here. And I hope my sister and I can make some good memories in the future to override all the bad ones. And to be quite frank there were a lot more bad than good.

After losing Kayla and now daddy, I am trying to keep my head afloat and find comfort that I will see them again. But their hard heads got them in some of their troubles. But they are both at peace. And I have to find peace within myself as well knowing they are in a wonderful place now.

But, to make sense of this blog let me tell you things you can do to not cause harm to your family, especially yo your children.

Don't tell them to keep adult secrets.

Know the people you leave them with.

Don't put others over your own children.

Don't belittle them about their appearance, clothes, etc. in front of others. That causes low self-esteem.

Don't leave them hungry and make them have to find food for themselves and their siblings.

Believe them when they tell you about a bad situation.

Don't abandon them over earthly pleasures.

The most important thing I tried to do was be a good parent to my kids. It was not easy, because I did not have a clue what a normal family was. And I know my kids did not always understand me, because I just did not have a safe loving childhood. So, I had to learn how to love normal, and that was hard. But my kids always had a hot meal, money to buy lunch at school, clean clothes and parents that were at every event they had. Sometimes, I feel like a failure, but I look at Kayla's children, and I see the good things she taught them. And yes their daddy has too. And I look at Zach, and I see how determined he is about things in his life, and I feel like Robby and I somehow gave both of them a good foundation.

My sister and I still have secrets old and now some new ones that surfaced that we will have to take with us until the day we die. But my prayer is that we can move forward and discuss things. Finally, others in the family know and it is a great comfort to not have to share all those burdens alone now. I am sure we can make good memories moving forward, especially that a few others know what we went through. If you have children or want children provide them with a loving safe home. It will not be perfect for sure, but love is the greatest of all.

Dawn Renee