Living while Grieving

Grief hits in different ways for everyone. Some days you do not even want to start the day. Some days are spent flitting from project to project and not getting anything accomplished. Some days I can walk in her room without crying, but most days, I cannot even go in there. She asked me when she moved out of our house, "Momma please don't repaint my room ". And I never did. The bed she slept in is still in there. Her childhood nickname is still on the ceiling, and it still glows at night. I need to repack her little easter dresses, dresses I made her and her first prom dress in moth proof bags. But it feels like I am packing her away in a box. I sometimes stare at the huge oil painting on the wall in her little Easter dress sitting in a swing. She was only two. And I just think back on how innocent a child's life is. I get angry sometimes because if she had done what I had instilled in her a 1000 times over, she might still be alive. Her children still need her for things only a mother can provide. One sent me a song and the lyrics said, "I know God don't make mistakes, but this sure feels like one". I cry for them and my heart hurts for them. We, as in all her family know God does not make mistakes, but we sure don't understand the whys sometimes. We faced-timed about an hour the Friday before she left from this earth. We talked about a lot of things. And I could not wait for to read my book. It was still in the editing stage then. It still does not feel real. I am thankful I kept all our texts since 2017, and I have sent all the VHS tapes to legacy box to be put on a thumb drive. It has videos from kindergarten to her junior year in high school. All those beautiful memories from softball, band performances, Christmas's and everything in between. Even little videos she recorded of herself.

While I know that there will be good days and bad days, I hope her memory lives on through the pictures, her poems, the videos, all the letters and cards and the things she kept that her children made throughout the years. Just know as we all move forward, we plan on taking her memory with us.